


too many war wounds (not enough wars)

by katebishoop



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Drabble, Episode Tag, Gen, Season/Series 03 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-26
Updated: 2016-02-26
Packaged: 2018-05-23 07:41:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6109784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katebishoop/pseuds/katebishoop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He couldn’t kill Atom then, even in mercy.</p><p>  <i>(I saw you in the woods with Atom. I know you’re not a killer)</i></p><p>He wasn’t sure if he could do it now, for her.<br/>--<br/>Episode Tag to 3x06<br/>Spoilers for Season 3.</p>
            </blockquote>





	too many war wounds (not enough wars)

Everything happens so fast that it's hard to even believe it was real.

He has no idea where Octavia came from, or where she is now. But there’s smoke everywhere and he’s screaming for his people to fall back. He’s ushering them away but then he sees Bryan dragging Hannah back and-

“Monroe!” Bellamy freezes. It’s Monty’s voice, from somewhere deep inside the fog. “MONROE!”

But then Bellamy sees them, Monty staggers out of the fog, supporting Monroe.

 _“Monty!”_ Hannah yells, and they both bolt towards them.

“Come on,” Bellamy grabs onto Monroe just as she slips from Monty’s grip. “We’ve got to get her away from the smoke.”

Bellamy and Monty carry Monroe away, and lie her down on the rocks.

She’s gasping for air, like a fish out of water. But Bellamy knows that this is much worse than that.

He’s looking down at her but he sees the face of a boy.

_Atom’s eyes are glassed over; his skin is red and raw, covered in puss and boils. His whole body is twitching and aching, his chest rising in uneven breaths as he gasps for air._

_“Kill me.” Atom whispers. “Kill me.”_

_But Bellamy is frozen he –_

_His group comes up behind him and he stands up. Atom’s still coughing, coughing up blood and gasping his plea. Charlotte comes over to him and she slips her knife into his hand._

_“Don’t be afraid,” she says, and it sends a shiver down his spine._

_“Go back to camp,” he tells them, and then looks down at her, “Charlotte, you too.”_

_Charlotte pauses, but she does turn to go. She doesn’t need to see this; she shouldn’t have to see this._

_Bellamy shouldn’t have to do this._

_He kneels down over Atom, the knife hovering over his chest. In Atom’s eyes, he can see he’s begging, he’s desperate, he wants to die-_

_“Kill me.” Atom whispers again and there’s a brief smile as Bellamy inches the knife closer._

_No one should have to do this; he doesn’t want to do this-_

_“Kill me,” Atom’s crying, “Bellamy, Bellamy please, kill me…”_

_He hears twigs snap behind him and turns his head – it’s her._

_Clarke is on the other side of Atom in an instant, her hand on his chest, her eyes scanning._

_“I heard screams.”_

_“Charlotte found him,” Bellamy tells her, “I sent her back to camp.”_

_Clarke is still scanning Atom’s body, looking for anything – let her find something, anything, that makes Bellamy not has to do this-_

_But she looks up, and she shakes her head._

_Bellamy swallows; he had already guessed her response, but the confirmation only made it worse. It had made it real._

_“Okay,” Clarke says then, in a reassuring voice, “I’m going to help you, alright?”_

_Her hand lightly strokes Atom’s hair, and she’s humming a song that sounds like in a different context, wouldn’t sound like a funeral march._

_Bellamy is frozen as Clarke takes the knife out of his hand. He cannot help but stare at her as she keeps humming and slides the knife into Atom’s neck._

_And she keeps humming, and keeps stroking his hair, until he leaves the shore._

Monroe is still gasping, the desperation for breath becoming shorter and shorter.  She hasn’t looked away from Bellamy once, her locking onto his, he can see the life flickering in them like a flame.

He couldn’t kill Atom then, even in mercy.

_(I saw you in the woods with Atom. I know you’re not a killer)_

He wasn’t sure if he could do it now, for her.

“Monroe?” Bellamy’s voice is strained. _“Monroe?”_

Bellamy won’t ever know what he would have done, because he doesn’t get a chance to make that call.

Monroe was already dead.

* * *

Harper’s cries when he gave her the news had been even worse on his ears than Monroe’s dying breaths. She collaspes next to him, in Monty's arms. She has lost more than a friend, and Bellamy unfortunately knows _exactly_ what she's going through.

Monroe had been with him to find Octavia. She'd been with him to find their people when they were seperated. She'd been with him at the Mountain, and she had been with him with Pike, and she had been there with him in the villiage. Monroe had been one of the strongest, one of the most loyal; she had been a friend.

And now she was dead.

_(take care of them for me)_

One hundred deliquents sent to the ground. Fifty-two alive after the first war with the Grounders; forty-four after Mount Weather.

Forty-three now.

_(eighty-two alive. you did good)_

He was trying to save lives, but he didn't.

(Was he even trying to save lives this time? No, he really wasn't, wasn't he?)

How many more people had to die? How many more friends would he have to bury? Could they ever stop mourning? Would they ever be done grieving?

_(please tell me that going to war is not what you want)_

The grounders would just keep killing and killing them. He has to finish what he started: for Monroe, for the rest of their people. Next time he wouldn't object when Pike suggested clearing a village out.

He had told Clarke: _people die when you're in charge_. That didn't mean that same wasn't true for him.

He catches Miller's eye on his way to Pike's office. He has his arms around Bryan, but he is looking at Bellamy, his eyes angry and full of grief and tears. He knows what they are saying: _this is all your fault._

Bellamy doesn't deny it, even as he looks away. He may have not been able to give Monroe a merciful death - _like Clarke had done with Atom, like she had done with Finn_ \- but he was still responsible. Her blood was still on his hands.

_(this isn't who you are)_

He was still a killer. This is who he has always been.

_I'm sorry, Monroe._

She deserved better. They all did.

**Author's Note:**

> Why do they keep doing this. Why. Why why why why why. 
> 
> I don't even know what this is. I'm just regurgitating all these feelings right now.
> 
> come hang out over on [tumblr](http://bellakeyblake.tumblr.com)!


End file.
